My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If only
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.