[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Feels
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.