The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
nobody’s gonna understand
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.