Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.