moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
So glad we cleared that up
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad