“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
You Might Also Like
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
ok this is my dumbest yet
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My hips? Compulsive liars.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.