It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Fight
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
And that about sums it up.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)