There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.