i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…