In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Ugh
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
This kid will have a bright future.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag