Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
TODAY
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.