Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The three genders
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Growing up was a huge mistake
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now