When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
🤣😈🤣
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.