Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?