It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”