Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.