SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.