[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded