when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Omg 🤣
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.