GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that鈥檚 my voice
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀鉂わ笍
Wanna buy something but can鈥檛 find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I鈥檝e already reached my destination.
Me: I鈥檓 gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car鈥檚 air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don鈥檛
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 馃槶馃張馃摵
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don鈥檛 undress the deceased
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?