The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Respect
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”