Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
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Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color