Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
You Might Also Like
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.