Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Welcome
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Note to self: always read the final line
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day