Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Don’t we all.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.