Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.