going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.