The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
You Might Also Like
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
The options really are this bad
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
just pretend nothing happened
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that