I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.