My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I put the mess in domestic.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.