You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
December birthdays be like…
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.