5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
A short story of betrayal:
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.