Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Get in loser we’re going crying
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.