AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
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7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My current situation
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
How all things should be taught/explained.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.