For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.