Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Finally, a door that understands me
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.