“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit