People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring