I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.