Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?