Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
When news reporters do sports stories
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Sheep
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Ok but actually
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat