Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Natty or not?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I like long walks away from everyone
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
getting old is fun
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.