This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
These 3D printers are insane!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
huge if true: the moon
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.