People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Ugh but profoundly
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
cause of death:
autopsy.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes