[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training