my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
You Might Also Like
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
everyone’s a critic
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.