pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
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I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”