It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.