I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk