put ‘er there pardner!
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Not today. 😅
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
May your day taste like creamy soup.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.